May 3, 2023. Walking into the hospital. Your dad and I. Palms are sweating as we wait in the waiting room. Waiting to be called in to finally see you. We get to the room, I lay down and I am ready. You couldn’t be seen with a regular ultrasound, so we had to do a vaginal one. At that moment I was scared because I wasn’t sure why they couldn’t see you. We carried on a conversation about families and siblings and how you were my 4th and last baby. Once we started the ultrasound again, I saw you. I gave this UHH! It was out of excitement, joy and the confirmation I was looking forward to. I should have maybe said something else because the lady thought she had hurt me. Oops. I reassured he that I was just excited to see you. As she confirmed all the areas as “normal,” we continued to watch you. She asked if I had any bleeding or pain and I said no. No picture was taken. No heartbeat was heard. I thought maybe the doctor would come in and do that for us. She told us that she was going to get the doctor because she only took pictures and doesnt tell the results.
The doctor came into the room. She was pregnant and I said congratulations to her. She sat down and asked if I have had any problems thus far and I said no. She said I am sorry but there was no sign of a heartbeat……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..the longest pause of my life. I looked at your dad in complete disbelief. I instantly remembering wanting to throw up. It was like your dad and I were the only ones in the room. I heard her voice but oh sooooo muffled. Tears rolled and rolled down my face. You were gone. Before I could hear your heartbeat or see it you were GONE. I missed you. I was the 1 in 4. My world stood still.
I never once thought it couldn’t be me because being and getting pregnant is always risky. At this moment I thought to myself “no, not me!” She continued to tell me that there was nothing I did wrong and that a lot of women go through this. But why me? I knew women had miscarriages sooner than I did and later than I did. Why did I have to feel what that feels like? I held it together barely. Being in your dads’ arms was all that mattered. I hope you felt daddy’s last hug. I hope you heard all his words that he may have said in his head. I didn’t want to leave that room I wanted them to do another ultrasound. I wasn’t doubting their outcome, but I was. Luckily, I had taken a short video of you and that is all I have.
Having to walk past pregnant women I was filled with so many emotions. I was happy for them, but I had this hate for them. That is not my character at all. But I was jealous. Jealous that they were able to see their baby. Jealous that they could still carry their baby. Hated that they weren’t 1 in 4. Hated that all my plans for a baby shower, names and gender reveal were out the window. Hated that I would have to tell everyone that you were too good for Earth. Is this why we wait until after 3 months to share the news? So we can grieve alone? Have no one? I am glad people knew that you existed. This journey to healing wouldn’t happen the same without their love and support.
We get to the obgyn side and Beth….Beth was kind and caring and just soft spoken to our tragic news. She told us the 3 options. One was to let my body do its own thing on its own time. Two was to take a pill to speed up the process. Three was to have a procedure done. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do and she wanted to see me in a week and I just said ok. I called Beth the following day. I apologized because I hadn’t processed any of my options. She was understanding and went over all the options again. I had a lot to think about. I didn’t want you out but I wanted you out because I grew nauseous knowing you were unalive inside of me.
I hung up and the countdown to Wednesday began.
Love, Mommy
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parentteacher3 