I can not begin to express my level of anxiety and worry on the way to the hospital. Were we going to get another ultrasound? Maybe there was a mistake and it was too early to detect a heartbeat. But approaching the 3rd month in a few days I am almost positive you had one. I hope you heard my heart my child. I really hope you heard your little sister say good morning and good night. I hope you heard her kisses and felt her rubs. She even made a secret handshake with you. Lord knows it wasn’t much of a secret with me peeking at her doing it. I was looking forward to her doing it when you had arrived.
I hear my name and at first, I had to go in alone, so daddy waited in the waiting room. I was not happy when talking to the nurse that was asking questions about aches and pains fevers and blah blah blah. I noticed the assistant nurse had RIP Daddy on her wrist. For a moment I was out of my thoughts and gave condolence to her in my head. I quickly jumped back into my thoughts. My thoughts were just about you and only you. They moved me into a room and went and got your dad.
He asked if they had said anything and I said not yet. The knock finally happened and the doctor came in and asked if I was told the options and I had told her yes. She asked me which one I thought was best for me and I said the pill. I couldn’t wait 3-4 weeks for my body to maybe do it on its own. Not only that, mentally I didn’t want to and couldn’t hold you that much longer. I would mentally lose it. I would still count the days and weeks knowing you weren’t growing with time.
She explained that I would take one pill there and the other 4 the following day. She left and came back. She handed me the pill and I was crying and looking at your dad. I was hesitant to swallow that pill. It should have been easy right? You weren’t going to feel anything. As sick to my stomach as I was I untwisted the cap to the water bottle and as I put the pill in my mouth I cried. I asked God why……I said I was sorry. My palm was sweaty, my heart was racing, my thoughts were everywhere.
I walked out of that hospital a different person. Not an understanding one but one with hate in my heart. I wanted to scream and yell. I was sad about you, but I hated everyone.
Love, Mommy
🌈👼🏼
parentteacher3 