Angel baby,
Today is the day. I’m scared to take these 4 pills at 12pm. I took Motrin at 11:30am in preparation of the pain I’m about to endure. I texted daddy who was out golfing and told him I think it’s starting. It hadn’t begun until 3:47pm and daddy was here. I was experiencing really bad stomach cramps and felt my inside contracting. We were outside and I told daddy I felt something. It was warm and gushed out. He held my hand and we went inside. I refused to sit on the toilet because I was not going to flush you away. I instead got an xl pee pad and popped a squat. Within mins blood clots were pouring out with a large amount of blood flow behind them. I cried of pain, shock and sadness. What was happening?! Was this real?! Daddy was in the bathroom with me and he mentioned seeing something and at 4:05pm I went to clean the blood and you were there! Your head and eye was visible. I was not expecting to see you. I told daddy, “oh my God, it’s the baby!” A sense of relief came and all the pain was tolerable at this moment because all I could do is look at you. Another contraction came and I took another squat and stayed in awe that my body was really going through this.
Daddy helped clean up after every squat. I felt bad for what he had to see. I wondered what he was thinking and how he felt through it all. But Angel baby I’m so grateful that he was there with me. I couldn’t imagine doing it alone.
7 hours of pain and a life long heartache for a child I will never fully see or hold. Help me through this mentally because I am not ok. I know I will be, but when I don’t know.
I spoke to the doctor and she said cremation can be done but to keep you inside of the refrigerator or someplace cold to preserve you. Just not the freezer. My initial thought was what the hell?! I know if I was in the right state of mind I would not be able to do such a thing. But I wrapped you up and put you in the fridge. 😢 Numb is the only way to describe what mommy is feeling. No words, foggy thoughts but a clear vivid image of you is stuck in my head.
Fast fwd to the next day. 5/12/23 daddy and I were in the kitchen and I thought the storm had passed. I thought everything was out. We were sitting at the kitchen table and I sneezed and felt a huge stomach pain and cramps worse than the day before. I felt an enormous gush and blood seeped right through my gray sweat pants and the pad. I went to the bathroom and daddy soon followed and we saw the biggest blood clot with a sac inside of it. I told daddy he didn’t have to stay in bathroom. But he asked me what I needed and I just said to give me a min and I didn’t know what I needed. I adore him for being there and not leaving my side, but I felt like I didn’t want him to see or feel what I was seeing or feeling. I don’t know why.
What in the actual fuck is what I said. I inhaled a deep breath and let it out with frustration. Another wipe and cleaning blood off the floor. Traumatic doesn’t justify this experience. I don’t know what word does.
Love, Mommy
🌈👼🏼
parentteacher3 