I slept ok last night and I don’t know if that’s good or bad. Good because I know I need it, bad because it means I didn’t cry as much. My favorite way to sleep is on my stomach and I didn’t do that for a while and now to be able to do it is just a reminder that you’re not in there anymore. I fell asleep watching this movie called A Man Named Otto….didn’t finish watching it. Woke up this morning at 6am and put it back on. He lost his wife and memories play back for him about them two. Only thing is he doesn’t want to live anymore. Stinks to know that feeling. The feeling is there but I would never do such a thing. He changes because of his neighbor Marisol. This writing space is my Marisol. What I mean is she got him out of being grumpy and it changed his feelings about being around people. Maybe all of this writing will one day make it easier to tell people without having shame or guilt. Him and his wife were pregnant. She was six months and there was a bus crash and they lost their son, she later died of cancer. Every ounce of me feels like you were my son. But it feels weird to address you as my son without knowing. A part of me is OK with not knowing if you were a boy or a girl. Regardless of what you are, I love you no matter what, but I feel like if I knew you were a boy, I’d be devastated.
Tomorrow is the day. My one week follow up. My one week to the day of taking that first pill. Jesus! This pregnancy was moving along so fast. When I found out about you, I was already 4 weeks and 4 days.
I woke up feeling crampy again today my breasts feel sore. My feet feel swollen. It’s like being pregnant without being pregnant.
I think today I want to plant some sunflowers in the front. I’m going to shower and have a cup of coffee with you. I haven’t changed my clothes since Saturday. The hot sauce stain from yesterday should have made me shower and change. I was going to but changed my mind. I guess I’ll have some of those days where it won’t matter.
Daddy made me laugh last night. He was tired, his eyes said it all. We were in the kitchen and he turned the tv off and went to the bedroom. He walked back and just looked at me. I asked him if he went to the room to go take a nap. He said there use to be a bed there. 😂 I walked away from him with a smirk and he followed me. I closed the door behind me and he opened it and he found me laying on a bunch of clothes that were on top of the bed. He just started laughing. Couldn’t do much but get up and hug him. I love his tight hugs, and I love him through everything that we’ve been through. It still feels right to call him my forever person.
Peyton walked in the room when I was finishing up the movie and she noticed my eyes were watery. She sat on the bed and she looked at the tv. Marisol was also expecting a baby. And she had delivered a baby boy. (I feel like these are all hints about you) but Peyton goes, “mom why are your eyes watery?” I said, “because it’s a good movie.” She grabbed my hand kissed my stomach and said, “I love you.” You have such smart sisters.
Daddy bought a scratch ticket yesterday and won $100. I told him that was you. He asked if I saw the ticket number and I said yes. It was number 006. I asked him what the six was for, he said there would’ve been six of us 🥺 I told him it will always be six of us. Watch daddy and help him heal.
We will get past this sadness.
Love, Mommy
🌈👼🏼
parentteacher3 