I haven’t written in a few days as I was preparing to go back to work. Almost took the rest of the year off because I don’t want to deal with people. Got the call on Friday from the funeral home about your name. I told them just put baby teixeira because we didn’t know your gender so how was I suppose to name you. I should be hearing back from them this week. At least I’m hoping. I’ve been a roller coaster lately. My mood swings are real. I be wanting to snap at everyone. Small bullshit issues aren’t what I want to deal with at the moment. It’s been 12 days. 12 days of sadness, bullshit, tears, anger, confusion and god knows what other emotions. I said when I returned to work I didn’t want to hug anyone but a few people asked and I gave them one. I know I could’ve said no but the fact that they asked I didn’t have it in me to say no. Maybe I will one day or some but who knows. I don’t know how I’m going to feel when I get that call to go pick up your remains. I’ve thought about it. Will I cry? Will I feel at peace? Will I sit in isolation? It’s these down moments when I’m not distracted that I remember all the details of everything my body went through. THAT day felt like the moment was frozen or things were just moving slow. Now the days are going fast. Too fast that now I’m in my thoughts about how far along I would be and would you be kicking. I’m tired and losing interest in a lot. I know it’s not a permanent feeling but it is at the same time. 22 days left until work / school is out and I can’t wait.
Love, Mommy
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parentteacher3 