parentteacher3

I hate Wednesdays 5/24/23

I use to hate Wednesdays because at work it’s a double special which is a late lunch and it’s just too chaotic. Now I hate Wednesdays because that’s the day that started the who miscarriage process. So, this will not be a long post because I don’t know what to say besides I miss the thought of you still here. On a more positive note, I slept good yesterday. Daddy had no problem telling me I snored in his face. I only did because I fell asleep on his chest and heard his heart beating. It was soothing and slow. The Celtics were on, and we got into bed and the next thing you know midway through first quarter I was out! I woke up this morning seeing that we won last night’s game though. You were in my belly the last few games we went to. Pray for me today. It just feels like its going to be a long day. 21 days and counting until work is done. I still haven’t heard from the funeral home and it would be some shit if they were to call today.

Love, Mommy

Writers Block 5/23

I haven’t written in a few days as I was preparing to go back to work. Almost took the rest of the year off because I don’t want to deal with people. Got the call on Friday from the funeral home about your name. I told them just put baby teixeira because we didn’t know your gender so how was I suppose to name you. I should be hearing back from them this week. At least I’m hoping. I’ve been a roller coaster lately. My mood swings are real. I be wanting to snap at everyone. Small bullshit issues aren’t what I want to deal with at the moment. It’s been 12 days. 12 days of sadness, bullshit, tears, anger, confusion and god knows what other emotions. I said when I returned to work I didn’t want to hug anyone but a few people asked and I gave them one. I know I could’ve said no but the fact that they asked I didn’t have it in me to say no. Maybe I will one day or some but who knows. I don’t know how I’m going to feel when I get that call to go pick up your remains. I’ve thought about it. Will I cry? Will I feel at peace? Will I sit in isolation? It’s these down moments when I’m not distracted that I remember all the details of everything my body went through. THAT day felt like the moment was frozen or things were just moving slow. Now the days are going fast. Too fast that now I’m in my thoughts about how far along I would be and would you be kicking. I’m tired and losing interest in a lot. I know it’s not a permanent feeling but it is at the same time. 22 days left until work / school is out and I can’t wait.

Love, Mommy

🌈👼🏼

At the Hospital then Funeral Home 5/17/23

💔 Going into the room today for the ultrasound was a horrible reminder on what we saw on May 3rd. Actually it was even worse to have the ultrasound done and hear the doctor tell us, “just taking a couple of pictures.” They didn’t take any pictures of you at our first ultrasound why do it now?! She took 3 photos and printed them out. She told us that everything had passed and that a few more clots are still there and should pass within the next week. She asked about the cremation and why we chose to do it outside of the hospital. I wanted so bad to cuss and say because I fuckin can. She thought $700 was too much to pay. Good thing the money wasn’t coming out of her paycheck. She left the room and of course I cried and daddy comforted me. I don’t know how or what to do to comfort him. I was mad that the doctor left the last image on the screen and all I did was stare at it. It’s like she didn’t care that leaving it up would bother me or hurt my damn heart. Beth walked in to give me the letter I needed for the funeral home and she pulled the curtain to close off the side with the screen that had the image. Someone cared, right?! She said we could take our time but all I wanted to do was leave. Why the hell would I want to stay in that room?

It was a hard. Hard to walk past all the expecting moms and their significant others on the way out. I grabbed daddy’s hand and we walked right by them all. I was trying to hold it together and not cry. I had a few moments but we made it out. Daddy parked allllll the way on the top top floor. Walking up allll the flights of stairs while crying, now that’s impressive. When we got to the car I called the funeral home and they asked if we could come at 330 instead of that moment. I said it was fine.

Daddy asked what I wanted for breakfast and my response was, “I don’t know.” That’s been my response for everything lately. We ended up going to a place in the south end and had breakfast. We talked and I told him I’m still confused. I told him I feel like every time we get to a good place in our relationship something “bad” happens. We talked about how it didn’t make sense that you not making it was a nothing we did. And that doesn’t sit well with me. If we are fine and we did nothing you should’ve been fine. What interferes with you being ok?!

The waiter came and asked us what we wanted to drink. Daddy got an orange juice and I got a mango mimosa. By the way there was absolutely no taste of mango. He took our food order, I got steak tips and eggs with home fries and toast and daddy got a blueberry muffin (which he didn’t finish eating lol) and the biscuits with gravy. Half way through the mimosa I told daddy I think they put liquor instead of champagne because I felt like I had taken shots haha. He laughed at me. He told me to finish and get a second one and I said absolutely not! It was a good moment, time and thoughts froze and I just enjoyed his company.

I got your sisters from school and me and daddy headed to the funeral home. You sat on my lap. We got to the door and again a rush of anxiety went through my whole body. The smell of the funeral home the quietness. It was real. It was no long the thought, “I wonder what it’s going to be like when it’s time.” It was time. I was ok until Dan the funeral director came to us. He was kind and soft spoken. He cared. He asked me to sit at the table with him while he takes some information down. The usual my name, my address, and my phone number. I expressed my upmost appreciation to him for doing this for us. Because you were not 12 weeks we didn’t have to do any of this. We could’ve simply disposed of you in the trash and I WAS NOT DOING THAT. I told him you lived in me and you had a heart beat and to me that’s all I needed to hear and know. You were alive! You were a living thing and I’m treating you as one. So he said some places refuse or don’t normally do this because all in all it’s a business and again you’re nothing under 12 weeks. He said part of his job is he has to make decisions everyday and his decision to do this for us felt like it was the right thing to do. Especially us being minorities we already have it hard. He only asked that we pay the $31 for the permit. I gave him the hospital letter saying I was your mom and that I suffered a miscarriage. He said I made his decision easier because I had provided all that he needs. He didn’t have to chase anyone down for a letter.

Of course he said daddy looked familiar and he remembered daddy from the Subshop. Daddy use to work there and when Dan was working at the funeral home in Roxbury he would go there occasionally. It was only right that we asked him if we could bring him anything when we come to get your ashes and he said no it’s ok but he would like the fax number. When he calls to tell us you’re ready I’m going to insist that he tells us what he eats from there. In this world you look out for those that look out for you. We got our receipt and before we walked out he said he was happy to see that I wasn’t alone and that daddy was with me. That made my heart melt. He said a lot of women go alone and that makes me sad. But it also makes me appreciate daddy even more. I told him that daddy has been there every step.

The ride back home was ok. I felt at peace. I felt like I could breathe. I felt like you were where you needed to be. I saw a red cardinal and I went to show daddy but it had already landed in the tree. Thank you for giving me a sign that your near. I love you and miss you.

Love, Mommy

🌈👼🏼

5/17/23

We’re outside. Not how I had visioned. Waiting for your dad so we can go get this ultrasound done. It’s to make sure everything has flushed out. There can’t possibly be more 😒 as if I haven’t endured enough. As you sit in this box besides me labeled baby teixeira 5/11/23 i love you always with my lipgloss lips printed on it, the sun is on you. Somehow I’m getting the shade and chills. I only feel the warmth on my back. You must be back there holding me up because I feel like I’m falling. I feel like I’m still pregnant today and going in for another ultrasound. When will I tell myself I’m not pregnant anymore? When will I stop holding my stomach like I’m still pregnant? When will I stop? I don’t know if I want to…..

It’s so quiet outside. I wish it was like this everyday. Where I can just come outside and hear no one and see no one. Maybe I’ll hear your whispers.

I was scrolling through tiktok yesterday and saw a video come on my fyp. It said don’t worry about your age I’ll conceive in Oct – Nov and it’ll be twin boys followed by the 🌈👼🏼 . I don’t know how I felt in that moment. I showed daddy and he gave me that uhhhh I don’t think so look. I had to chuckle a little because I always wanted twin boys.

There’s a lot of things I want and it doesn’t seem like I’m getting them.

I planted sunflowers in the back yard yesterday. I hope they grow!

Me and daddy were suppose to have therapy yesterday at 3 o’clock and I’m kind of upset that he forgot about it. I know it wasn’t intentional, but I was hoping it was important enough that he wouldn’t forget.

And at this very moment I want to cry. At this very moment I hate everyone. I’m mad. Im sad. I want to scream.

Daddy is pulling up behind me….I’m going to stop writing and I’ll write again later. I love you and I miss you.

Love Mommy,

🌈👼🏼

5/16/23

I slept ok last night and I don’t know if that’s good or bad. Good because I know I need it, bad because it means I didn’t cry as much. My favorite way to sleep is on my stomach and I didn’t do that for a while and now to be able to do it is just a reminder that you’re not in there anymore. I fell asleep watching this movie called A Man Named Otto….didn’t finish watching it. Woke up this morning at 6am and put it back on. He lost his wife and memories play back for him about them two. Only thing is he doesn’t want to live anymore. Stinks to know that feeling. The feeling is there but I would never do such a thing. He changes because of his neighbor Marisol. This writing space is my Marisol. What I mean is she got him out of being grumpy and it changed his feelings about being around people. Maybe all of this writing will one day make it easier to tell people without having shame or guilt. Him and his wife were pregnant. She was six months and there was a bus crash and they lost their son, she later died of cancer. Every ounce of me feels like you were my son. But it feels weird to address you as my son without knowing. A part of me is OK with not knowing if you were a boy or a girl. Regardless of what you are, I love you no matter what, but I feel like if I knew you were a boy, I’d be devastated.

Tomorrow is the day. My one week follow up. My one week to the day of taking that first pill. Jesus! This pregnancy was moving along so fast. When I found out about you, I was already 4 weeks and 4 days.

I woke up feeling crampy again today my breasts feel sore. My feet feel swollen. It’s like being pregnant without being pregnant.

I think today I want to plant some sunflowers in the front. I’m going to shower and have a cup of coffee with you. I haven’t changed my clothes since Saturday. The hot sauce stain from yesterday should have made me shower and change. I was going to but changed my mind. I guess I’ll have some of those days where it won’t matter.

Daddy made me laugh last night. He was tired, his eyes said it all. We were in the kitchen and he turned the tv off and went to the bedroom. He walked back and just looked at me. I asked him if he went to the room to go take a nap. He said there use to be a bed there. 😂 I walked away from him with a smirk and he followed me. I closed the door behind me and he opened it and he found me laying on a bunch of clothes that were on top of the bed. He just started laughing. Couldn’t do much but get up and hug him. I love his tight hugs, and I love him through everything that we’ve been through. It still feels right to call him my forever person.

Peyton walked in the room when I was finishing up the movie and she noticed my eyes were watery. She sat on the bed and she looked at the tv. Marisol was also expecting a baby. And she had delivered a baby boy. (I feel like these are all hints about you) but Peyton goes, “mom why are your eyes watery?” I said, “because it’s a good movie.” She grabbed my hand kissed my stomach and said, “I love you.” You have such smart sisters.

Daddy bought a scratch ticket yesterday and won $100. I told him that was you. He asked if I saw the ticket number and I said yes. It was number 006. I asked him what the six was for, he said there would’ve been six of us 🥺 I told him it will always be six of us. Watch daddy and help him heal.

We will get past this sadness.

Love, Mommy

🌈👼🏼

Mothers Day 5/14/23

What’s there to celebrate when grieving stops you from getting out of bed, showering, eating, and appreciating the outpouring love that friends and family sent in a text. Everyone’s text came from a good place in their heart, I just didn’t know how to receive it so I put my phone on DND for the day. I read all the messages as they came in and couldn’t respond. I just slept. I was mad that daddy wasn’t here but then another part of me didn’t want him here. I wanted to remain alone curled up in my bed crying and talking to you. Hours passed and I finally responded to everyone’s text. Daddy came and I looked at him when I wanted to hug him and just lay on his chest. I didn’t I turned the other way. He asked me over and over what I wanted to eat and I didn’t want food although I know I needed to eat. I was angry and I took it out on him and the kids. Peyton made 3 cards for me and Zoë made this beautiful big card that said “you shine as bright as the sun.” It had sunflowers. I love them and you would’ve too. I don’t know how to feel most of the day. It’s hard. It’s a lot to dissect. I decided to write because it felt right. I needed it all out. I needed a safe place where everything that needs to be said can be said. Help me through this Angel Baby. I can question this all day everyday and I’m not going to get an answer. No answer to why you didn’t make it. There’s no closure in that. I just have the “it happens.”

Love, Mommy

🌈👼🏼

May 11, 2023 it happens

Angel baby,

Today is the day. I’m scared to take these 4 pills at 12pm. I took Motrin at 11:30am in preparation of the pain I’m about to endure. I texted daddy who was out golfing and told him I think it’s starting. It hadn’t begun until 3:47pm and daddy was here. I was experiencing really bad stomach cramps and felt my inside contracting. We were outside and I told daddy I felt something. It was warm and gushed out. He held my hand and we went inside. I refused to sit on the toilet because I was not going to flush you away. I instead got an xl pee pad and popped a squat. Within mins blood clots were pouring out with a large amount of blood flow behind them. I cried of pain, shock and sadness. What was happening?! Was this real?! Daddy was in the bathroom with me and he mentioned seeing something and at 4:05pm I went to clean the blood and you were there! Your head and eye was visible. I was not expecting to see you. I told daddy, “oh my God, it’s the baby!” A sense of relief came and all the pain was tolerable at this moment because all I could do is look at you. Another contraction came and I took another squat and stayed in awe that my body was really going through this.

Daddy helped clean up after every squat. I felt bad for what he had to see. I wondered what he was thinking and how he felt through it all. But Angel baby I’m so grateful that he was there with me. I couldn’t imagine doing it alone.

7 hours of pain and a life long heartache for a child I will never fully see or hold. Help me through this mentally because I am not ok. I know I will be, but when I don’t know.

I spoke to the doctor and she said cremation can be done but to keep you inside of the refrigerator or someplace cold to preserve you. Just not the freezer. My initial thought was what the hell?! I know if I was in the right state of mind I would not be able to do such a thing. But I wrapped you up and put you in the fridge. 😢 Numb is the only way to describe what mommy is feeling. No words, foggy thoughts but a clear vivid image of you is stuck in my head.

Fast fwd to the next day. 5/12/23 daddy and I were in the kitchen and I thought the storm had passed. I thought everything was out. We were sitting at the kitchen table and I sneezed and felt a huge stomach pain and cramps worse than the day before. I felt an enormous gush and blood seeped right through my gray sweat pants and the pad. I went to the bathroom and daddy soon followed and we saw the biggest blood clot with a sac inside of it. I told daddy he didn’t have to stay in bathroom. But he asked me what I needed and I just said to give me a min and I didn’t know what I needed. I adore him for being there and not leaving my side, but I felt like I didn’t want him to see or feel what I was seeing or feeling. I don’t know why.

What in the actual fuck is what I said. I inhaled a deep breath and let it out with frustration. Another wipe and cleaning blood off the floor. Traumatic doesn’t justify this experience. I don’t know what word does.

Love, Mommy

🌈👼🏼

May 10, 2023

I can not begin to express my level of anxiety and worry on the way to the hospital. Were we going to get another ultrasound? Maybe there was a mistake and it was too early to detect a heartbeat. But approaching the 3rd month in a few days I am almost positive you had one. I hope you heard my heart my child. I really hope you heard your little sister say good morning and good night. I hope you heard her kisses and felt her rubs. She even made a secret handshake with you. Lord knows it wasn’t much of a secret with me peeking at her doing it. I was looking forward to her doing it when you had arrived.

I hear my name and at first, I had to go in alone, so daddy waited in the waiting room. I was not happy when talking to the nurse that was asking questions about aches and pains fevers and blah blah blah. I noticed the assistant nurse had RIP Daddy on her wrist. For a moment I was out of my thoughts and gave condolence to her in my head. I quickly jumped back into my thoughts. My thoughts were just about you and only you. They moved me into a room and went and got your dad.

He asked if they had said anything and I said not yet. The knock finally happened and the doctor came in and asked if I was told the options and I had told her yes. She asked me which one I thought was best for me and I said the pill. I couldn’t wait 3-4 weeks for my body to maybe do it on its own. Not only that, mentally I didn’t want to and couldn’t hold you that much longer. I would mentally lose it. I would still count the days and weeks knowing you weren’t growing with time.

She explained that I would take one pill there and the other 4 the following day. She left and came back. She handed me the pill and I was crying and looking at your dad. I was hesitant to swallow that pill. It should have been easy right? You weren’t going to feel anything. As sick to my stomach as I was I untwisted the cap to the water bottle and as I put the pill in my mouth I cried. I asked God why……I said I was sorry. My palm was sweaty, my heart was racing, my thoughts were everywhere.

I walked out of that hospital a different person. Not an understanding one but one with hate in my heart. I wanted to scream and yell. I was sad about you, but I hated everyone.

Love, Mommy

🌈👼🏼

First and Only Ultrasound

May 3, 2023. Walking into the hospital. Your dad and I. Palms are sweating as we wait in the waiting room. Waiting to be called in to finally see you. We get to the room, I lay down and I am ready. You couldn’t be seen with a regular ultrasound, so we had to do a vaginal one. At that moment I was scared because I wasn’t sure why they couldn’t see you. We carried on a conversation about families and siblings and how you were my 4th and last baby. Once we started the ultrasound again, I saw you. I gave this UHH! It was out of excitement, joy and the confirmation I was looking forward to. I should have maybe said something else because the lady thought she had hurt me. Oops. I reassured he that I was just excited to see you. As she confirmed all the areas as “normal,” we continued to watch you. She asked if I had any bleeding or pain and I said no. No picture was taken. No heartbeat was heard. I thought maybe the doctor would come in and do that for us. She told us that she was going to get the doctor because she only took pictures and doesnt tell the results.

The doctor came into the room. She was pregnant and I said congratulations to her. She sat down and asked if I have had any problems thus far and I said no. She said I am sorry but there was no sign of a heartbeat……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..the longest pause of my life. I looked at your dad in complete disbelief. I instantly remembering wanting to throw up. It was like your dad and I were the only ones in the room. I heard her voice but oh sooooo muffled. Tears rolled and rolled down my face. You were gone. Before I could hear your heartbeat or see it you were GONE. I missed you. I was the 1 in 4. My world stood still.

I never once thought it couldn’t be me because being and getting pregnant is always risky. At this moment I thought to myself “no, not me!” She continued to tell me that there was nothing I did wrong and that a lot of women go through this. But why me? I knew women had miscarriages sooner than I did and later than I did. Why did I have to feel what that feels like? I held it together barely. Being in your dads’ arms was all that mattered. I hope you felt daddy’s last hug. I hope you heard all his words that he may have said in his head. I didn’t want to leave that room I wanted them to do another ultrasound. I wasn’t doubting their outcome, but I was. Luckily, I had taken a short video of you and that is all I have.

Having to walk past pregnant women I was filled with so many emotions. I was happy for them, but I had this hate for them. That is not my character at all. But I was jealous. Jealous that they were able to see their baby. Jealous that they could still carry their baby. Hated that they weren’t 1 in 4. Hated that all my plans for a baby shower, names and gender reveal were out the window. Hated that I would have to tell everyone that you were too good for Earth. Is this why we wait until after 3 months to share the news? So we can grieve alone? Have no one? I am glad people knew that you existed. This journey to healing wouldn’t happen the same without their love and support.

We get to the obgyn side and Beth….Beth was kind and caring and just soft spoken to our tragic news. She told us the 3 options. One was to let my body do its own thing on its own time. Two was to take a pill to speed up the process. Three was to have a procedure done. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do and she wanted to see me in a week and I just said ok. I called Beth the following day. I apologized because I hadn’t processed any of my options. She was understanding and went over all the options again. I had a lot to think about. I didn’t want you out but I wanted you out because I grew nauseous knowing you were unalive inside of me.

I hung up and the countdown to Wednesday began.

Love, Mommy

🌈👼🏼

Telling people

I was getting anxious about telling people. Part of me thought about what they would say and how they would feel. I guess you can say that was somewhat normal. Your grandmother (my mom) was happy and jumping and taking shots over FaceTime while holding a knife. We had caught her cooking haha. She was wearing blue like daddy. All the signs made me feel like you were my son. Grandpa Tek was happy and gave a warm hug. Your uncle June Bugg was happy and told whoever he was with. He thought I was lying even though your sister was wearing a shirt that said, “this chick is egg specting to be a big sister.” Your aunt Victoria said, “her nephew was loading!” And your aunt Lexo expressed how happy she was. That was all I needed from my side of the family honestly. Uncle Danny definitely asked if I was expecting before I even took the test. Of course I value everyone else but these people matter the most aside from daddy.

Easter Day we put the “egg-specting” shirt on Peyton and went to your Vovo and Donu’s house. As they greeted us your sister Peyton looks over at me and gives this look like mom they don’t even see my shirt. I told her to hold on a second but if you don’t know miss Peyton works on her own time. She walks over to Vovo opens up her zip up sweater and goes moms having a baby I’m going to be a big sister! Your Vovo goes “what!!!!!?” and reads the shirt out loud, picks Peyton up with great joy and asked if we know what it was yet and again Peyton thinks boy, but I said we didn’t know at the time. Vovo said let’s all start praying. Vovo hugs daddy and says congratulations, Donu hugs me and says congratulations baby boy. Vovo comes to me and hugs me, and it felt like everything was falling in place where everyone was happy at least in that very moment. Uncle Josh (daddy’s brother) already knew before Vovo and Donu we told him at Titi Val’s house. He’s excited for you. He’s already thinking of tattoos for you and Peyton haha.

And this is why mommy wanted to tell people! Look at everyone who was ready to see you and loved you already! The first three months are the most crucial but I didn’t doubt for one second that you was not ok. My womb was your home and it was a safe place for you. There was this one time me and daddy were in the living room and we were watching Power and he just gently rubbed his hands back and forth on my belly. I wish he did it more.

We told a few other people and the one friend that was beyond excited for me was Taleeks mom Teaulekia. She was on the phone with me for hours and made me start a baby registry. I’ll tell you this much everything that was on the baby registry was new to me. There were so many gadgets that were not around when I had your sisters and I felt like I was going through this for the first time all over again. She went down the list and helped me remember every little thing that I would need for your arrival. My best friend Kecia was happy too she had to remind me that this summer she would have adult beverages for me haha. Leigha, Steph, Margie, JimJim the list goes on with a few more. But trust me when I tell you, you were loved instantly.

Love, Mommy

🌈👼🏼