š Going into the room today for the ultrasound was a horrible reminder on what we saw on May 3rd. Actually it was even worse to have the ultrasound done and hear the doctor tell us, ājust taking a couple of pictures.ā They didnāt take any pictures of you at our first ultrasound why do it now?! She took 3 photos and printed them out. She told us that everything had passed and that a few more clots are still there and should pass within the next week. She asked about the cremation and why we chose to do it outside of the hospital. I wanted so bad to cuss and say because I fuckin can. She thought $700 was too much to pay. Good thing the money wasnāt coming out of her paycheck. She left the room and of course I cried and daddy comforted me. I donāt know how or what to do to comfort him. I was mad that the doctor left the last image on the screen and all I did was stare at it. Itās like she didnāt care that leaving it up would bother me or hurt my damn heart. Beth walked in to give me the letter I needed for the funeral home and she pulled the curtain to close off the side with the screen that had the image. Someone cared, right?! She said we could take our time but all I wanted to do was leave. Why the hell would I want to stay in that room?
It was a hard. Hard to walk past all the expecting moms and their significant others on the way out. I grabbed daddyās hand and we walked right by them all. I was trying to hold it together and not cry. I had a few moments but we made it out. Daddy parked allllll the way on the top top floor. Walking up allll the flights of stairs while crying, now thatās impressive. When we got to the car I called the funeral home and they asked if we could come at 330 instead of that moment. I said it was fine.
Daddy asked what I wanted for breakfast and my response was, āI donāt know.ā Thatās been my response for everything lately. We ended up going to a place in the south end and had breakfast. We talked and I told him Iām still confused. I told him I feel like every time we get to a good place in our relationship something ābadā happens. We talked about how it didnāt make sense that you not making it was a nothing we did. And that doesnāt sit well with me. If we are fine and we did nothing you shouldāve been fine. What interferes with you being ok?!
The waiter came and asked us what we wanted to drink. Daddy got an orange juice and I got a mango mimosa. By the way there was absolutely no taste of mango. He took our food order, I got steak tips and eggs with home fries and toast and daddy got a blueberry muffin (which he didnāt finish eating lol) and the biscuits with gravy. Half way through the mimosa I told daddy I think they put liquor instead of champagne because I felt like I had taken shots haha. He laughed at me. He told me to finish and get a second one and I said absolutely not! It was a good moment, time and thoughts froze and I just enjoyed his company.
I got your sisters from school and me and daddy headed to the funeral home. You sat on my lap. We got to the door and again a rush of anxiety went through my whole body. The smell of the funeral home the quietness. It was real. It was no long the thought, āI wonder what itās going to be like when itās time.ā It was time. I was ok until Dan the funeral director came to us. He was kind and soft spoken. He cared. He asked me to sit at the table with him while he takes some information down. The usual my name, my address, and my phone number. I expressed my upmost appreciation to him for doing this for us. Because you were not 12 weeks we didnāt have to do any of this. We couldāve simply disposed of you in the trash and I WAS NOT DOING THAT. I told him you lived in me and you had a heart beat and to me thatās all I needed to hear and know. You were alive! You were a living thing and Iām treating you as one. So he said some places refuse or donāt normally do this because all in all itās a business and again youāre nothing under 12 weeks. He said part of his job is he has to make decisions everyday and his decision to do this for us felt like it was the right thing to do. Especially us being minorities we already have it hard. He only asked that we pay the $31 for the permit. I gave him the hospital letter saying I was your mom and that I suffered a miscarriage. He said I made his decision easier because I had provided all that he needs. He didnāt have to chase anyone down for a letter.
Of course he said daddy looked familiar and he remembered daddy from the Subshop. Daddy use to work there and when Dan was working at the funeral home in Roxbury he would go there occasionally. It was only right that we asked him if we could bring him anything when we come to get your ashes and he said no itās ok but he would like the fax number. When he calls to tell us youāre ready Iām going to insist that he tells us what he eats from there. In this world you look out for those that look out for you. We got our receipt and before we walked out he said he was happy to see that I wasnāt alone and that daddy was with me. That made my heart melt. He said a lot of women go alone and that makes me sad. But it also makes me appreciate daddy even more. I told him that daddy has been there every step.
The ride back home was ok. I felt at peace. I felt like I could breathe. I felt like you were where you needed to be. I saw a red cardinal and I went to show daddy but it had already landed in the tree. Thank you for giving me a sign that your near. I love you and miss you.
Love, Mommy
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parentteacher3 